Dreams

Another belated blog post. Hope all my lovely readers are doing great (yes, all 1 of you!).

So, I've been thinking about stuff lately. Of course, if you know me you'd know my mind is always racing, but lately it's been heavier than usual. I remember Max mentioning that he took therapy at one point and I'm thinking that maybe I should, too. I'd like to be able to get a third opinion on things without what I have to say causing some kind of recoil.

I'm quite the day dreamer. I day dream to escape reality, this I know, but all it really does is make me hate life. I end up daydreaming myself into paradise then waking up to the real world, where 8 times out of 10 nothing goes how I want it to go. I end up feeling lonely and empty and longing for whatever the hell I was dreaming about at the time.

For this reason, I try to keep my daydreams fiction. Flying, laser beam eyes, whatever the hell it takes. Waking up from my daydream isn't so bad if it's impossible, I figure. That, and well, I like action flicks and what better movie could I watch than one that I make up as I go along? haha

What sucks is that sometimes I mix in desires with my hero flicks. So, it's original purpose goes up in smoke in the end regardless and I still wake up longing for whatever portion was real in that daydream... As the days go by, I keep falling more and more into daydreaming and at some points, I can't even stop it. I just space out.

Only to wake up longing for things and people I may never have.

I think therapy would help me realize the finer points in my life that I might not even realize is there. Maybe make me a better person, not to everyone else (I have you motherfuckers spoiled), but to me.

I'm the biggest asshole in the world to myself. There is very few, if any, people that gets worse treatment from me than how I treat myself. I know this connects with the daydreaming, my past, and Lord knows what else, so this third opinion thing might be the best thing for me.

Either that or pray that some weird paranormal phenomena happens and the "Elvis" from my day dreams switches places with the shitty "Elvis" everyone knows. Obviously, that'll never happen but hey...just another day dream scenario for me.

It's dumb things that make me happy, too, that's the fucked up part. I don't ask for much out of life. I don't ask for riches or fame. I don't ask to be surrounded by the hot naked people that all want to do me. I don't ask for power. No need for big material things. None of that.

I just want what I give people to be reciprocated. Even my rent comes second to this. I often daydream about people in my past or people in my current lifestyle just doing things out of their own norm; doing things that make ME happy, for once. I want every happy warm emotion that was taken away from me as a kid. I want that 'family unity' feeling other people brag about.

Why me? Why the hell did I have to be so fucking different?

Everyone around me don't follow the 'rules' and 'morals' that I seemed to have set for myself, yet I feel wrong for not following them. I would think that affection I show people would naturally be reciprocated, but every single person I've gotten close to in the entirety of my life have shown me that greed isn't just related to money. Some people have come around, granted, but why should they have to 'come around' in the first place? Why does this mentality feel natural to me and JUST me?

Why can't I be a selfish dick like everyone else is? It seems foreign to me, even though it's pretty much as prominent as the air we breathe.

*sigh* I need more alcohol.

Oh God, he's being poetic. Someone buy this guy a hobby!

I can only watch the world spin from a distant far enough to taste the life that flows through it but never have enough to be consumed by it.

I'm but a number, neither positive nor negative, sitting amongst that which can create and destroy yet never take a side.

I crave that which should not be craved. Desire that which should not be desired. I know the fruit is forbidden but I would have desired to eat it a thousand times if it meant I could taste it once before my own destruction.

I smile because it's how I look into a mirror and see someone else's existance reflected that is not mine.

The ache I go through ripples through out my days but I never let a wave form. I can't let a wave form.

I wonder where the day after will be yet fear tomorrow; all the while trying to forget yesterday.

I want to give up but still move onward.

When will my eyes gaze upon my dreams?

So yeah...

I haven't updated this in a bit...but don't feel like blogging either...it's just that I keep looking at how outdated this thing is and know I should post some kind of update....I guess.

Long story short:

• I got my Apt. It's teh awesome
• I've resigned from Allakhazam.com
• I still do 'The Mog House' with Pikko on Sundays at 8est (www.onlinegamingradio.com)
• Job at SSC is still ok.
• I'm not dead yet.

That's probably the important parts. I'm having a shitty day so I really don't feel like typing much...I'm surprised I even typed up this much.

I'm tired. Just so damn tired. I feel 90 at 24. I barely feel like waking up in the morning but do so cause I know I'm supposed to.

Meh. Blog is starting to get emo, which is why I was skeptical to write in the first place. Oh well.

Almost there...

Figured I’d take this quick moment to blog on what’s happening so far.

Work is doing good. Getting the hang of things and working my way up day after day. I have to say that I like the environment and, with the exception of a couple of people, I can say that there isn’t much of anyone worth mentioning that gets on my nerves (which is great when you consider there are 300+ employees there).

Now the living situation is a whole other ball game.

Like you all should know (course, I refer to the two and a half people that actually read this thing), I was living with my mother. Notice how I say was. This last Thursday, I get home to my mother and sister having a 24 hour eviction notice. The received this notice at what…12:55PM? Normally, my mom was the one picking me up and taking me to work. You’d think she’d tell me sooner via voice mail, text message, etc. that our asses are homeless sooner so I can have something planned out by the time I get home, right?

Nope.

I was sent a text message that we were getting evicted maybe 30 minutes before I leave work at 8PM. Mind you, I can’t even check my phone while I’m working. Best part is that you could tell that the only reason why I was told then was as an excuse to not pick me up…

All I could think of at the time was “Are you serious?”

Something like an eviction thrown out to me to be used as an excuse to not pick me up from work. Had I had my own ride, I wouldn’t have been told till I got home and ask “Where did all the furniture go?”

There’s no point in even bringing it up to them. My family is a class of people who are ‘always right’. That same night I got home I had to pack my mom’s Jeep (which is now mine) with all my possessions. Was done at maybe 2:30? 3? AM. My sister wanted to borrow the jeep to go to a friends house with it having little to no gas and all my stuff in it.

Umm, hi. WTF?

Her validation? “My buddy will give me gas money and nothing is going to happen to your stuff.”

Do I get a money back guarantee with that confidence of yours? Oh, that’s right. I don’t. She couldn’t just accept defeat from being told no. When my mom actually took my side, she plainly said “Just take your damn son’s side.” Cause, she’s right. Always. Totally OK to drive around with my stuff. At 3AM. To see some guy.

FFS, I have to be adopted.

On the flip side, I’m pretty close to getting an apartment with Matt in the same building Frank lives in. Two bed rooms, too, so save the typical ‘Elvis and Matt are gay’ jokes for someone as unoriginal as you. Would have gotten the money orders for the down payment today, but now I have to rush on Monday cause, of course, even something simple as money orders has to get complicated. -_-

At least by Monday, I should actually have my own place. Then my family will say how much of an asshole I am cause I’ve abandoned them after all they done for me. At least it’s amongst themselves and the only person who will say something fucked up will be my sister. She is the same one who told me “It’s your fault mom had a heart murmur cause you never call.”

9_9 I’m changing my identity the first chance I get.

I'm just lucky that Frank and Lily were able to let Matt and I stay for a couple of days at their place while we work on getting our apartment. Had it not been for them I think I would've completely lost my mind. x_X

<33333 you two!

EXO SMASH

Welp, I ended up drinking some Starbucks yesterday after all. :D

Just sucked that they forgot to add the whip cream to my White Chocolate Mocca. >( Fuckers. Also got to see The Hulk yesterday. Good movie. It's no Iron Man but still a good movie. Not gunna spoil it, though! ;) Ended up seeing the 12:50 AM showing. Late as hell but it's not like I have many options to me anymore.

So far, today seems a bit.....umm...something.

Maybe I'll have something good to blog about at some point. Lawl.

Blah

I feel particularly emo today. Not myspace emo, but more like...well...just not happy. I don't feel like I've been able to be happy for a bit now.

Even when I wake up in a dandy mood, it seems like I'm not meant to stay that way. Well, damn. Now it is starting to sound kinda myspace emo, but I actually have reasons that are greater than mommy not giving me lunch money this morning.

I think I'm just pretty tired of being me. There hasn't been much less fail for almost as far back as I could remember. People I associate with, things I want to do, things I want to become...all of it seems hopeless or unachievable. There seems to be no real pro at being 'me'.

If I had the chance to jump to someone else's body I wouldn't really think twice. There just isn't much consoling me now a days and I'm pretty ready to just cash out and try this 'life' thing again later.

No, I'm not going to kill myself or talk about killing myself or do some form of bodily harm. Not only am I allergic to pain but as much as I hate being me I don't have a desire to not live, either. Funny, huh?

I mean funny as in "that guy is weird" versus "funny ha-ha" funny.

Every day I seem to get a new reason to why I seem to be born to fail.

meh, fuck it. I want some Starbucks. :D

??? - Feb 12, 2008

E-Peen
Rest in Peace
:(

My Mom

Today I had a nice reminder of why is it that I've always hated my mom. She helps me out from time to time but in the end if I could've had some sort of say so on who I'd have as a mom it would definitely not be her.

My mom decided it was a cool idea to put my ferret cage outside. It's usually ok when the weather doesn't look like it's going to rain. It's fine. It begins to pour, I race down and drag the cage back into the house. Mistakes happen, nobody is perfect. Yeah I was soaked, but at least the ferrets stayed in their little home thingy so they stayed dry (until they found a small puddle of water on one of the floors of their cage...then it was play time. haha)

You'd think that if you make a booboo once you learn from your mistakes, right? Not this woman. Next day the weather was still shitty and she puts them outside again. Again I had to race downstairs to get them once it began to pour. That time though, rain was coming down REALLY hard. Both ferrets were soaked and scared shitless and I looked like I decided to jump into a pool with all my clothes on.

Today I go to clean the cage and lo and behold, E-Peen (the darker ferret) barely moves. He limps whereever he walks, shivers constantly, and won't eat. So, I tell my mom this and you know what her reply is?

"He was like that before the rain!"

...wtf? Are you 4? I know for some of you reading this you are thinking "it's not that serious", but when it's tacked ontop of the history we already have, it just boils me. Not just that, I can't stand anyone that will blatantly not take responsibility for their actions. You fucked up. Twice. It happens. Don't sit there and act like you didn't do anything wrong.

Didn't even bother trying to argue with her. I know how it usually goes. It's a waste of my time to even think of trying. I'm just frustrated as hell at the moment and upset cause the little voice inside of my head is telling me E-Peen might not make it. I can't even afford to take myself to a doc at the moment, let alone take the little guy to a vet.

*sigh*

Le Sigh

Ever woken up and just didn't want to be "you" that day?

I'm in one of those "tired of being me" moods where if I could just switch bodies with someone else I probably would.

So far, it feels like this is going to be as good of a year as last year. Joy.

Its only January, too! -_-

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Asuran Fists!

Monk finally hit 71 and yesterday I got my Knuckles of Trial. I forgot how much I hate breaking the latent on any weapon and yesterday was no exception.

At first it was Baratheon and Kazette in the Boyhada Tree. Then it was just Kaz and I in Kuftal. I lost count on how long this took but it took forever. Lucky me, I had Kaz making me just break that latent. I would've probably still needed another 150 points otherwise.

Nonetheless! Even got to beat the WSNM yesterday with the help of Kaz, Enshiro, Mavix, and Gremlin.

Yay!
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New Year

The shit that was 2007 is finally over. Maybe this year good luck will come my way versus the usual which is watching everyone else prosper while I lag behind.

One thing is for sure: my ass is going to be skinny by the end of 2008. If I play my cards right maybe I'll even be toned up but I'd rather set goals I know I can reach to avoid disappointment.

Let's see what happens with this new set of 12 months.
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