Dreams

Another belated blog post. Hope all my lovely readers are doing great (yes, all 1 of you!).

So, I've been thinking about stuff lately. Of course, if you know me you'd know my mind is always racing, but lately it's been heavier than usual. I remember Max mentioning that he took therapy at one point and I'm thinking that maybe I should, too. I'd like to be able to get a third opinion on things without what I have to say causing some kind of recoil.

I'm quite the day dreamer. I day dream to escape reality, this I know, but all it really does is make me hate life. I end up daydreaming myself into paradise then waking up to the real world, where 8 times out of 10 nothing goes how I want it to go. I end up feeling lonely and empty and longing for whatever the hell I was dreaming about at the time.

For this reason, I try to keep my daydreams fiction. Flying, laser beam eyes, whatever the hell it takes. Waking up from my daydream isn't so bad if it's impossible, I figure. That, and well, I like action flicks and what better movie could I watch than one that I make up as I go along? haha

What sucks is that sometimes I mix in desires with my hero flicks. So, it's original purpose goes up in smoke in the end regardless and I still wake up longing for whatever portion was real in that daydream... As the days go by, I keep falling more and more into daydreaming and at some points, I can't even stop it. I just space out.

Only to wake up longing for things and people I may never have.

I think therapy would help me realize the finer points in my life that I might not even realize is there. Maybe make me a better person, not to everyone else (I have you motherfuckers spoiled), but to me.

I'm the biggest asshole in the world to myself. There is very few, if any, people that gets worse treatment from me than how I treat myself. I know this connects with the daydreaming, my past, and Lord knows what else, so this third opinion thing might be the best thing for me.

Either that or pray that some weird paranormal phenomena happens and the "Elvis" from my day dreams switches places with the shitty "Elvis" everyone knows. Obviously, that'll never happen but hey...just another day dream scenario for me.

It's dumb things that make me happy, too, that's the fucked up part. I don't ask for much out of life. I don't ask for riches or fame. I don't ask to be surrounded by the hot naked people that all want to do me. I don't ask for power. No need for big material things. None of that.

I just want what I give people to be reciprocated. Even my rent comes second to this. I often daydream about people in my past or people in my current lifestyle just doing things out of their own norm; doing things that make ME happy, for once. I want every happy warm emotion that was taken away from me as a kid. I want that 'family unity' feeling other people brag about.

Why me? Why the hell did I have to be so fucking different?

Everyone around me don't follow the 'rules' and 'morals' that I seemed to have set for myself, yet I feel wrong for not following them. I would think that affection I show people would naturally be reciprocated, but every single person I've gotten close to in the entirety of my life have shown me that greed isn't just related to money. Some people have come around, granted, but why should they have to 'come around' in the first place? Why does this mentality feel natural to me and JUST me?

Why can't I be a selfish dick like everyone else is? It seems foreign to me, even though it's pretty much as prominent as the air we breathe.

*sigh* I need more alcohol.