This is the first time I speak of this out in the open. Only person I've told about this is Matt. Bare with me as its a lot of random thoughts strung together. Also, if you don't like this topic either I suggest you don't read the rest of this blog.
Ok, you are warned.
Lately, the whole dieing thing is becoming more than just an after thought. I think I'm going through a mid life crisis or what have you, but I figured that would happen when I turn 40, not now.
I feel a combination of a fear of death mixed with a feeling of insignificance.
Before, whenever I thought of death, I didn't really put much thought into it. My mentality was just "it happens, make the most of things until it does". As it should be, really. Lately though, the thought of actually dieing has me a bit freaked out. Nothing really triggered this (that I know of), just one day I put deep thought into it and I've been out of it since.
Death is unpredictable. You could be fine one day and dead the next. There are infinite number of variables that could get you snuffed out. Like now. I'm sitting on the patco train. It could derail before I get to send this, though most likely it won't. I could suddenly collapse from XYZ sudden health issue. Some one in the train can go on a killing spree. Hell, I could die from a slip and fall just getting off of this dumb train. Really really meaningless and purposeless thought processes have been the usual for a bit now, it seems. Just sudden paranoia, I guess.
If that's not bad enough, I also mix in insignificance with this mentality. My death would just be a statistic. A circle of people will mourn my passing until I become an after thought. Everything I held dear and worked for will be rendered unimportant and whatever I was working towards will never happen. There is literally nothing special nor unique about me to be more than a statistic, and the world would continue, as it has been, when I do go. It makes me think of the billions of people that have died before me and how their existence (or lack there of) meant nothing to me until just recently. I ended up mourning for their loss for a while, thinking that other than stupid ghost shows, few would still even care that they did exist. Its a shame I didn't pay better attention in American history class in high school. It didn't dawn on me at the time that I spat on the very people I owe everything I have now to. I did like world history, though? XD
Part of me would love to go into acting or stand up (LAWL stand up with blogs like this?). If not for the fun of it, but just because it would be the only way I feel I'd ever be remembered. As close to immortality as I can get. Hell, once I die, then the people that kept my after thought with them die, that's it. I, myself, don't know who the hell my great grand parents are nor do I even have a way of finding out. That's all it takes to just vanish.
Faith in an after life seems to be the balance to this equation, but as much as I hate to admit it, I've been casting doubt on it. Now that I think about it, this is probably what is making the whole death thing worse. Eternal darkness. No thinking. No dreaming. No feeling (physical and emotional). Just. Nothingness. There has been so many different religions through out human history that it makes me feel that their very existence was birthed to better block out the realities of death. This frightens me. I hope there is an after life.
As far as my own faith goes, for those wondering, would be best described with a book series Brittany introduced me too years ago. Its been the only spiritual reading that I've done that has made sense to me. "conversations with god" is the book. Good read.
Anyway, that's a little side tracking but somewhat relevant since everything right now has doubt casted on it.
Coming close to my stop before I go to work, so ending this here. Would love a second opinion if someone cared enough to read this. If not its fine. I feel a little better just typing this out at all.
:)
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
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